Rabbit holes and dark nights

It’s a time when faith is challenged and strange thoughts take over and lies become more real than reality. It’s a struggle to hang on to the person you know you are as you grapple with questions and confusion and heart-sickness.

Retirement is hard – and no one tells you how to do it. If you’ve planned well and you have enough funds, you can design a life that pleases you – that allows you to do the things you never had time for. But sometimes the plans fall off the charts and no matter what you ‘planned’ it just didn’t work out that way…because that’s how life is! We’re not really in control and life happens.

And there are hours to fill, listless wandering around, fretting because you used to be busy and you suddenly have the option of doing something productive today or…taking a nap! Resting is good, as the Lord rested on the 7th day and commanded us to rest on the Sabbath day, for our own good. But somehow I don’t think retirement is supposed to be one long Sabbath rest!

Then there is aging! And that just complicates matters. Again, if you planned well and took extra care of your body, hopefully you won’t spend countless hours sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for testing, or waiting for another med, or waiting for things to get bad enough that someone else finally has to take care of you and you don’t have to meet expectations. You can just zone out and let the world go by. Yes, a dark night of my soul wrestling with absurd questions, falling down a rabbit hole of darkness and confusion.

But today I’m finally rescued from the rabbit hole. He walked with me in it and he pulled me from it and he reminded me he will always carry me even, especially, in old age with gray hairs because he made me. He reminded me I can stand firm because of what Jesus did and if I remain steadfast, I’ll have peace in trusting him. Even though “outwardly we’re wasting away” we are being renewed every day with strength so we can continue to serve – and to give ourselves fully to him. Somehow that answers the question of taking a nap…or getting busy again.

So here I am – Gray hair is my crown this side of eternity and someday I’ll exchange it for a gold one. Until then, it’s not over until it’s over! And he is the strength in me to do it, one day at a time.

I pray this blesses someone who may still be in the rabbit hole! Turn and see him right beside you! He will lift you up. Just ask him!